Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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