I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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