I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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