I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
