Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
