Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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