just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
