I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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