I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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