1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
