she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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