FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
