DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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