that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
