if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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