I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
