Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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