This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
