the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize