i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize