At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
