Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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