I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
