My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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