I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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