Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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