Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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