and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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