so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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