I smell stomach acid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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