i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize