It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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