True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
