Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
