there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
