I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
