My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
