I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
