Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
