So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
