Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
