When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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