i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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