I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
