i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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