I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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