No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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