That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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