i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
