theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
