I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
