party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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