I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
