I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
