she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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