Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
