I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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