plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize